The FBI Needs a Little THC

A lot of people think smoking weed makes you lazy, but that’s not true. It’s just that lazy people love smoking weed, so you get a false impression.

Think about it: If you’re already planning to spend the day binge-watching the Back to the Future trilogy on DVD, why not take a few bong rips to enhance that hilarious cinematic voyage through time and space? You’re going to experience all the good parts of getting blazed, and suffer none of the drawbacks—so it’s actually a highly rational response.

Just don’t say smoking pot made you lazy. That’s like saying moisturizer made you masturbate.

Meanwhile, for the last hundred years, the world’s most highly-motivated, innovative, productive and successful herbal enthusiasts have, by definition, had the most to lose by coming out of the cannabis closet. Which creates another set of false impressions about who loves this plant, and why.

Take for example Carl Sagan, the world-famous astronomer, bestselling author and acclaimed creator of the original Cosmos television series, who enjoyed marijuana enthusiastically throughout his life, and even credited cannabis with inspiring his most creative thinking—all while keeping his abiding love for Mary Jane a secret until the day he died.

Though one did have to wonder about a guy who consistently said stuff like this:

Carl Sagan: If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

These days, however, with marijuana fully legal in two states and approved for medical use in another 21,  all those old, tired, false stereotypes have started to collapse. The winds of change blow so fragrantly, in fact, that James Comey, head of the FBI, recently indicated that effectively staffing the bureau’s anti-cyber crime division may require rewriting the rules a little. Though he fell back on the old “I’m just kidding” defense when later grilled on the matter by Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama, during testimony before Congress.

Senator Sessions: I was very disappointed in a Wall Street Journal article on May 20th in which you seem to make light of marijuana use by those who’d like to work for the FBI. You say “I have to hire a great workforce to compete with those cyber criminals and some of those kids want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.” You say you’ve got to loosen up your no tolerance policy, which is just a three-year—haven’t used marijuana in three years. Do you understand that that could be interpreted as one more example of leadership in America dismissing the seriousness of marijuana use and that could undermine our ability to convince young people not to go down that dangerous path?

Comey: Very Much Senator, I am determined not to lose my sense of humor. But unfortunately there I was trying to be both serious and funny.

Put on the spot, Comey went on to say he’s “dead set against” marijuana use and not necessarily going to lift the three year ban. But really, what choice does he have? Trying to assemble a team of top level computer hackers to defend against cyber terrorists without including ganja smokers is like trying to form a reggae band without including ganja smokers: possible, but seriously ill advised.

So the real question isn’t should the FBI stop discriminating against cannabis users. It’s how much longer will the FBI continue to compromise national security in the name of the failed War on Marijuana. And you  can put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jeff Sessions.